My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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