A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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