I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
