On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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