I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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