Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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