Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
