my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
