watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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