White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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