How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
