My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
