I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
