Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
