she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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