I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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