The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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