If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
