if i can run in heels then i can drive
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
