smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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