how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
