There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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