"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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