I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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