He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
