East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
