dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
