When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
