Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
