....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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