Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
