I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
