If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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