The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize