told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
