I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
