One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
