I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
