I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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