she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
