Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
