Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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