i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
