i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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