dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We left the knife in your bed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
