I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
