Whod you bang
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it wasn't lemon gatorade
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
