never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
