She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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