she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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