He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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