thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
