just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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