she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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