Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
