To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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