a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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