I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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